Please score my SAT essay?

I think your big mistake here is getting involved with politics. A lot of the college people are very liberal, according to what I have seen. They probably wouldn't agree with you. Also, an entire healthcare bill is just too big to tackle on a timed writing. Shoot for something smaller, but more in depth. Try something which happened in your community, which required the efforts of the local rather than that of the central government. Or talk about Hitler's Nazi regime, which almost everyone probably would agree on. Perhaps you can even predict outcomes of certain situations which aren't flammable topics. You may want to speak out about what you care about, but I think it's wiser to save your energy for a moment when your grades aren't at risk, and you have no ability to strike back. Good luck!